Scary Question #4 “Will I Ever Find or Have a Healthy Relationship?”

It’shappily ever after October and I’m answering your scary questions….
This one is long…. But so worth it!

One of the scary questions we ask ourselves is what we all hope to have or find one day, our very own “happily ever after”.  We spend at least 12 years in school learning the quadratic formula, how to identify cumulus clouds and what a dangling participle is in a sentence.  What we are NOT taught is how to have or find a healthy relationship. If at the core of every human being we all hope to have a “happily ever after relationship” or something a little like that…. Why is it that we are not taught the “how to’s” on this subject?   What we do not realize is there is a much scarier story we unconsciously tell ourselves and we hope that a happy relationship will prove this scary story is wrong.

The underlying scary story we tell ourselves is that “I’m not lovable”.   Unfortunately, some of the experiences that we have in our lives seem to tell us that we just aren’t lovable.  These experiences range from childhood mistreatment from those people that were supposed to love us the most or it might be the teenage romances that ended in heartbreak, and everything in between these kinds of experiences.  Each of these experiences seem to tally all the reasons we just aren’t lovable.  We hide these heartbreaks deep down in our core so that no one can see our pain.  We are ashamed that we are not lovable for it is what we want the most.  We bury this pain so deep it becomes unconscious and we put on our happy mask, hoping the pain of not feeling lovable will go away if we can just find someone that will love us and once and for all, prove that we really are lovable.

The problem with this is we usually find someone that has also buried this kind of pain.  The relationship starts euphorically and you begin to believe you truly are lovable.  Over time as you build trust and grow your relationship, you unconsciously touch the wound of your loved one and they erupt….. which triggers your hidden hurts.  You don’t even realize you are doing this to each other.  You don’t even know you are pushing your loved one’s “I’m not lovable” button.  All you know, is that you hurt to your core and your beloved has betrayed you and once again you begin to believe…. You simply are not lovable.

What if we shifted that??  What if we could step back and interview ourselves and really take some time to explore those childhood hurts, those teenage heartbreaks, those times in our lives that created scars on our heart.  How might it help us to gently interview this frightened heart with questions like “What could I have been learning through this experience?”  “What could I have possibly gained in overcoming and going through this experience?”  “How can I use this experience to make myself a better person?”  “What was the truth of that experience?”  “Who did I become because of this experience and can I shift who I’ve become to help others that have been in this situation?”  I have found in going back to explore that by overcoming these experiences, they have taught me that I am a strong, confident powerful women, who chooses to live in love and light.  I have learned forgiveness, I have learned unconditional love and I have learned without a doubt that I am lovable. …… doing this practice isn’t the way we’re taught to process our experiences because chances are, our parents or those people that had the most influence on us when we were young, didn’t know how to process those experiences either.  We’re simply not taught now to process our feelings.  I believe it’s time to give ourselves a little self vacation in travelling back into some of those experiences that may have us questioning if we are really lovable….be gentle, listen to your heart, tune into your soul and I believe that you will hear the whisperings of what you may have learned through these sometimes painful experiences.  If the answer is you learned that you were not lovable, it’s time to challenge those thoughts.  These have become unconscious and limited beliefs which are affecting the choices you make every day with your relationships.   Ask for assistance if you have some really tough stories to explore… the “happily ever after” on the other side is worth the exploration.  To find and have a healthy relationship is an inside job, you must know you are lovable first.  When you are doing this little travel back, do your best to see these events from a more mature but very gentle thought process because chances are you are still FEELING them through your child thought processes and coming to the conclusion that you aren’t lovable and that simply is not true.

This post is dedicated to the love I found after I made the difficult choice to end my marriage that had become very toxic and abusive.  My first step in finding my “happily ever after” was first of all finding love for myself, forgiving myself for allowing myself to be treated with anything less than I believed was love and respect.  I took the time I needed to heal and I fell in love with myself!  I discovered that love was all around me and I found the truth, that I truly am lovable…..  the magic in discovering this for myself opened a space in me so deeply, that I was able to attract a healthy relationship into my life.  I found another person that knew he was lovable because of the soul searching and healing he had done and together we joined each other in a love affair to heal ourselves even further….. TOGETHER.  We embarked on a new adventure in creating a SAFE union to face some of the demons from our past.

We were not naïve in jumping into this journey, we knew that we would both be bringing some “baggage” to the relationship.  We agreed to create a safe union to assist one another to unpack our “baggage”.  Now it is our joy to share this knowledge with all those around us.

A huge shout out to the man that rocks my world every day of my life!!  Truly the BEST DAMN PARTNER YOU COULD ASK FOR (Ask anyone that watches Discovery Channel’s Naked and Afraid…he’s simply the best…..)!!!

***I love you baby…. Thanks for choosing us everyday!!***

It’s never too late to have/find your “happily ever after” relationship but it is an inside job, it starts with KNOWING that YOU are lovable…… and then that “KNOWING” begins to echo out in all your relationships.


Isn’t that yummy????  If you had asked me about this kind of love just seven years ago I would tell you I had no idea it was possible…. It started with knowing that I was lovable…. take the time, fall in love with yourself, the rest is just pure magic!  Trent and I are planning a relationship retreat….survival style!  If you are interested in being on the waiting list PM me or email me at ….it’s going to be fun and it’s going to be an adventure….those are the two things we can always promise!!!.  This will be a small group so if you are interested…. Let me know you are interested ASAP.

One thought on “Scary Question #4 “Will I Ever Find or Have a Healthy Relationship?”

  1. Pingback: Welcome to November….. Harvest time….. What does that mean??? | Redefining Joy

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